"I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it."

[backendbat]

[It isn't as though they'd avoided each other-- you can't, when you're a Titan. Once a Titan, always a Titan. You could be under the sea, deep in space, beneath the Earth's crust, in another universe-- you are a Titan, and more than likely you'll be called for something. You're family, even when things get dicey, even after breakups and hookups and fist fighting a team mate that had a new phobia of getting shot. They have to work together, they work well together.

But sometimes, like now, it's been years since your incredibly serious relationship fizzled out in a crackle of sparklers and between missions and saving the world, you're both more or less alone in the Titans tower and you sit and realize it.

A cold sense of apprehension washes over Dick. It isn't as though they've never been alone together since then-- right? He actually can't recall. But now they're here, together, and he's thinking about it. And that's never good.]

Comments

[starboltz]

( ... it had been years, kory knew this, and yet the true weight of it chooses to settle right here, between them, in this moment. when was the last time they'd been alone together like this? she can't seem to recall either. they once spent every waking moment they could together -- to go from that to, well, not avoiding, but occasionally existing within the same vicinity of one another because duty calls... it's different. the titans were always a family. but outside of that, what were they?

kory glances over when dick isn't looking and takes the opportunity to gaze, classic alien stare and all. there's no friends or loved ones to play the buffer, and now the silence thickens. years, she's thinking while looking at him, and this time it wasn't memory washing over her. it's an ache, albeit faint and short-lived, that a quiet sigh dispels right into the ether.

the second he looks at her, however, she smiles. )

Penny for your thoughts?

[backendbat]

[he notices her looking back, sees her green gaze from the corner of his own. to think so much of his life was wrapped up in hers, wrapped up in her arms, and he'd, for all these years, forced those feelings back. locked them up and buried the key.

he still loved her. it splinters in his chest, one little crack and the dam might burst. but he'd had to put those feelings away, it was the best for everyone. but they're here, now, and Dick realizes it's dawned on Kory, too. he'd be fine if only one of them had, and the other could awkwardly avoid it but here it is.

he smiles back, he can't help it. Kory's always brought that out in him]

Aren't those being discontinued, now?

[starboltz]

( she finds it almost pains her, if only due to how long it's been since she last soaked up the sight of him. every interaction after the breakup was kept professional and concise; they're hardly lingered around each other longer than needed. it helps when most of the business she took care of involved interplanetary excursions. but now, she's here, back on earth, forced to receive dick's presence next to her with no one else around. existing not only as a fellow partner of the titans... but as the love that once was. a man she will always love because her love was not a loan, it's eternal. even if their love wasn't. )

Oh! Right. I did hear about that.

( she exhales out a soft laugh; it's innocuous, his response, though it reminds her of how good he was at deflection. )

Then perhaps... a nickel?

( kory will only persist as much as he allows her. above anything, she just wants to hear his voice, to hear him talk, to have him talk to her. )

[backendbat]

[he feels hollow, at the thought that aside from the reports he's gotten, or the end of missions they've been on together, he no longer has any idea what she's enjoying lately, what her makeup smells like or looks like scattered across the counter, what funny memes she's found. he knew her, then he didn't, and he still does, that love is still there, can never truly be ended, or complete. but it's there, like a wound that's never healed.

like grief.

his mouth quirks at her]

Still pretty cheap, but yeah, I'd take it. You've seen the big quarter in the cave, right?

[starboltz]

( her heart tugs when their eyes meet, and kory continues to smile in the face of grief the only way she knows how: earnestly. )

I have. Is that what it'll take to know what goes on in that mind of yours, Richard Grayson?

( her tone is soft, teasing. like the good old days. except she doesn't reach out to him. she doesn't caress his cheek. every affectionate gesture is absent, and it makes her fingers itch. )

[backendbat]

[her earnestness, her sincerity, hits him in the gut as if it were a blow from a powerful fist. she wants to know, she wants to help.

if only he could curl his fingers around hers, hold her hand to his cheek, feel her warmth-- he can't anymore. the canyon can't be surpassed there.

he smiles back softly.]

None of it's very important. No end of the world contingency plans. You don't have to worry, Kory.

[starboltz]

I am allowed to worry about you even if we are no longer—

( she stops; this wasn't the place, and it wasn't the time. she continues to smile, and gives him a nod as if to reassure him that she won't protest. even though she will worry anyway, as she always has. but the last thing she wants is to go another several weeks without saying more than two words to him. it pains her to think about.

so kory relents, afraid of pushing him too much. )

If you do not wish to tell me, I understand. But please don't pretend it doesn't matter. You matter too much for me to believe that.

[backendbat]

[his lips part, awe catching him off-guard once again. he'd-- never thought she didn't care. because that just isn't Kory. she cares fiercely, with every single iota of her soul-- not even pain can make her stop caring.

he chuckles, shaking his head at her until he can catch his breath-- now, a little frown puckered between his brows]

I keep...underestimating you. That's on me, I'm so-- you shouldn't. Worry, about me, I mean. It isn't something necessarily comfortable for us.

[starboltz]

( her expression softens, more saddened than wounded. )

You underestimate me because you still try to protect me from your pain.

( she feels her fingers twitch; touch was always far more reassuring than just a look - not just for him, but for herself too.

her hand drifts from her lap with no other purpose than to rest beside her. )

But I have endured far worse than the truth of your feelings. You never needed to hide them from me.

( ... but she's just repeating herself, isn't she? it's not anything dick hasn't heard before. kory feels she must clarify, her gaze drifting to the floor for a heartbeat, gathering herself, before rising to meet his eyes again with full sincerity. )

Worrying about you is not something I do by accident. It's something my heart simply does. If that was uncomfortable for you, then perhaps it meant we did not understand each other as well as we believed.

( they were so young then. but that didn't make this any less meaningful. impactful. sore. )

We can try again... with honesty this time. If you wish it.

( " as friends. " )

[backendbat]

I-- no, that's not what I--

[Dick exhales, frowning harder but it's a frustrated expression, and all based in-ward, though it's probably hard to tell. he does reach for her hand, finally, but doesn't look at his own gesture of comfort, of trying to reach her, his gaze on Kory's face--]

You've never made me uncomfortable. Not ever. Not even when I was being stubborn. No one understands me like yo--

[he cuts himself off, exhaling a sigh again, worrisome, perhaps he'd said too much, or not enough if she thought he looked at her like--

No one ever said Bats were good at explaining.]

I was thinking about us. About before, and how this...ended. [he finally admits as though it pains him]

[starboltz]

( the moment lands unexpectedly, dick reaching for her hand, and he can see it register across kory's face, starting as a flicker of surprise that softens into something like gratitude, or a longing that has finally tipped over. and it's instinctual the way her fingers curl around his and squeeze with sincerity, with slight urgency, because she's never forgotten his touch, even when she wished to forget, and it was something else entirely to experience it all over again. the edges of her vision tremble with the threat of tears. )

Richard...

( her voice wobbles on the last syllable of his name, brows gathering and dipping in memory as her eyes drift over the familiar lines of his face. a gaze that holds a sadness that never fully healed, a yearning that never waned but was carefully stored away. if she let it, it would burst forth like a punch through the chest, perhaps doing more harm than good. she must reel it in but, x'hal, she's missed him so much. she's missed this. )

I think of it often too... and how much of it was real. ( softer now ) How much of it still is.

[backendbat]

[her voice--- god, it cuts him in two. his mother's voice, he's started to forget the cadence of how she'd speak, of her joy and song-- he'd fallen asleep to Kory's voice in his ear nearly as much, and even after all this time, it's so stark. every tremble of emotion, like a taunt, and then quivering, bowstring, before it strikes the note, the rising crescendo of it all.

it cuts him to the core, right down the middle, to know he's responsible, ultimately, for this hurt she's feeling. has been feeling.]

I don't know if this is a wound I want to heal. I don't want it to go away....even though it hurts, too. I want to remember it was real.

[he can't promise anymore than he did back then. they-- aren't ready, are they? in this line of work, they tend to ignore the pain (physical or otherwise), go beyond it. but this pain, he finds he doesn't want to do that.

but he doesn't want to hurt her]

It'll always be real.

[starboltz]

( hearing him say it brings with it a complicated relief braided tightly with guilt. relief, because the feeling still exists in him too; that she wasn't alone in carrying this weight forward. guilt, because taking comfort in that knowledge feels like a betrayal. it gives dick's earlier words an uncomfortable solidity: it will remain. it will persist. it will always hurt. she hates hearing him speak this way because it confirms what she's already known. whatever they were, whatever they had, was never meant to be permanent. it survives now only as residue; an echo she carries with her, and one she will continue to bear, even knowing it can never resolve into something whole again. )

It will always be real.

( kory agrees, her attention settling on their joined hands. her thumb drifts to the faint scar along the curve of one knuckle, tracing it with absent-minded care. it's enough to awaken an old impulse: she almost lifts his hand toward her, muscle memory urging her to press a kiss there, the way she once did. but she stops herself. the habit lingers even if its purpose no longer does, as though affection alone might still persuade an old wound to close. as though tenderness could undo what time has already decided to leave behind. she knows it won't. )

But I hope you know this, Richard... you do not have to suffer to honor what was real. Remembering does not require punishment.

I hope that, someday, you allow it to rest. To heal.

[backendbat]

[he can remember so many nights of her tracing his scars, of him tracing the lines of her body against his, just like that, absent-minded care, but no less present, no less the depths of a canyon, a supernova.

he may not be able to feel her feelings anymore, and he pauses at that faint, near careful touch of her hand against his-- but he can tell he might have said the wrong thing. he bites his lip, frustration tangled within him because he wants to say-- to say--]

Kory, I-- I wouldn't call it suffering the way it usually is. It hurts, but it's a good hurt, you know? And if I knew we could-- [he looks up into her bright, bright green eyes, near self-conscious for what he nearly said]

[starboltz]

We could... what, Dick?

( she's hanging on his every word; heart thudding deep in her chest, hands squeezing his as if to coax it out of him. go on. say it. because she thinks she might know what he wants to say, but words never leave her lips. just unabashed patience, a silent plea, staring him right in the face. )

[backendbat]

[even when they weren't together together, she always pushed him to be better, to do better by others and by himself, and it's something he so fiercely loved about her-- loves. and always will. you can't take loved away, no matter the hurt or the stars between them.

he licks his lips, humming. squeezing her hand back as if she can ground him.]

I miss us. It isn't because neither of us is seeing each other, or because conditions are right, but I'd....I'd like to try. [he finally turns his gaze to her again] Only if you'd want to.